Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
