i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
