He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
