its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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