Don't you send me to vm
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
