is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
