shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
