Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
