I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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