some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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