He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
