so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
