I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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