a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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