mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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