I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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