he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize