I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
