You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Dicks are not precious.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize