Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
