I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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