Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
