A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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