I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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