We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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