I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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