literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I died a long time ago.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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