I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
