I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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