OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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