i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
