I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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