Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
