You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
