i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
