i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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