Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
