she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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