What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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