I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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