Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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