I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
