Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
