I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize