Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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