Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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