i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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