Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just cropdusted the office
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
