it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
