So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
