i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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