I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Randomize
