I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
