how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
