Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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