call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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