I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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