In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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