Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
