Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
