I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
