Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
