just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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