I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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