I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
