Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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