I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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