She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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