You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
