someone threw a dead crab at me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i've created a new STD.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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