i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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